I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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