For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
