but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
