dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She bit a glass in half.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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