I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
