I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
