sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
