Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
