just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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