i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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