just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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