We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
