Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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