happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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