Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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