People in love make me want to vomit
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Randomize
