Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
