Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
