He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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