yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
So vagazzling was a success
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
