Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
