remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Ladies don't puke and tell
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
