I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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