The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
