I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
