I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize