Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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