It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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