babies were throwing up all over the place
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
