So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.Â
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize