Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
