I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
