You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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