u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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