I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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