so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
