She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
