Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Randomize
