I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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