I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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