she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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