A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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