We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
if only i could text you this smell
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
