Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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