am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
