so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
