Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
