Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
