she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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