I'm going to jail i love you
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
