Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Randomize
