Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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