Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
