You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Can i not drive my cunt home
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
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