I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
