You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Randomize
