I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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